Aggressive Coffee (for National Sketch Writing Month)

         Sketch starts with video montage of cup of coffee going
         around and knocking trashcans over, kicking people, etc.

         After video, live portion takes place at diner, where two
         friends are sitting having dinner. Amy, wears sunglasses and
         acts jittery.

                             LISA
                   Amy, you can take your glasses off.
                   One, we're inside a diner, and two,
                   it's night time. You're acting
                   silly.

                             AMY
                   Alright, I'll take them off but only
                   if you promise not to freak out, ok?

                             LISA
                   I won't freak out.
                        (Amy takes off glasses.)
                   Oh my lord! What happened to you
                   Amy?!?! Is everything all right?
                   Jesus, that looks like it really
                   hurt!

                             AMY
                   It doesn't hurt so bad any more.
                   Anyway, it's really nothing. I just
                   did something really stupid, and in
                   the future I'll be way more careful
                   about my drink choices...

                             LISA
                   Wait, did you get drunk and fall
                   down the steps or something? Dammit,
                   I knew I should t have left you
                   alone with that bottle of jack!

                             AMY
                   No, of course I didn't get drunk and
                   fall down the stairs- that happened
                   once in college and you never let me
                   live it down!!

                             LISA
                   Yeah, that's because it happened at
                   graduation when you were going to
                   get your diploma, jack ass.

                             AMY
                   Whatever, it was college, no one
                   makes smart decisions. I'm talking
                   about coffee- usually I drink a
                   light roast, but decided to go for a
                   more aggressive coffee, and didn't
                   think it would literally be more
                   aggressive.

                             LISA
                        (laughing)
                   Wait a second...are you saying your
                   coffee did this to you? That is
                   definitely the craziest thing I've
                   ever heard!

                             AMY
                   I am dead serious. I took a sip, and
                   my coffee accosted me. This black
                   eye is from when it punched me in
                   the face. It is no joking matter
                   Lisa. Just you wait until you want a
                   bolder coffee, and I swear, it'll
                   get you. Bad.

                             LISA
                   Alright, alright. I know you're not
                   a liar Amy, so there has to be some
                   truth to this, but coffee punching
                   you in the face is a lot to process.

                             WAITER
                   Excuse me, can I get you a water or
                   a coffee to get started?

                             AMY
                        (unsettled a the mention of
                        coffee)
                   I'll just take a water, thank you.
                   No coffee here, nuh-uh.

                             LISA
                   Actually, coffee sounds good to me.

                             WAITER
                   We have a very special blend brewed,
                   it's a nice bold, aggressive coffee.
                   I'll grab you a cup!
                        (walks off to kitchen)

                             AMY
                   Oh no, this won't be good Lisa. I
                   don't know if I can watch this- my
                   own experience was very
                   traumatizing...

                             LISA
                   We'll both be fine. Coffee cups
                   don't have arms- that's absurd.
                   It'll just taste strong I bet.
                   Nothing else.

                             AMY
                   That is exactly what I thought. The
                   first step is denial. oh God, here
                   comes the waiter...handle the coffee
                   very cautiously. Seriously, I am
                   asking you to do this as a friend.

                             LISA
                        (picks up coffee cup without
                        care)
                   Seriously Amy, its just a cup of
                   coffee, it couldn't possibly...
                        (she pantomimes as if the cup
                        were attacking her face, along
                        with some screams.)
                   Jesus!!! That really hurt!! What the
                   hell?!!?
                        (throws coffee cup on ground,
                        smashing it.)

                             AMY
                   You had to Lisa, who knows what it
                   would have done next. Quick, let's
                   get you to an emergency room. I hope
                   you never make that mistake again,
                   Lisa.
                        (The two exit offstage
                        together.)

                             END