SPORK

This is for day 6 of National Sketch Writing Month. It is a monologue, with the intention of taking this character into different beats.


                             SPORK
                   Hey everyone, My name is Spork. None
                   of you know me, but I am the younger
                   sister of Icelandic super-star
                   Bjork. When people hear that, they
                   usually make a lot of assumptions
                   and ask, "Why are you dressed so
                   normal?", "Why isn't your accent as
                   heavy?", "Do you collect things like
                   human heads or ride around in a car
                   that is an exact replica of your
                   face?" but then I usually just show
                   them my license and they believe me,
                   cause how many people have the last
                   name "Guomundsdottir" in the states.
                   Plus I kind of look like my sister,
                   so sometimes it doesn't even come to
                   that. I am speaking at the National
                   Association of Fast Food technology
                   conference today, because I, along
                   with you all, am celebrating the
                   15th anniversary of the spork. The
                   initial invention came as an
                   accident, like that of many great
                   things, when my sister and were
                   melting kitchen items to see what
                   happened. most of these were too
                   dangerous or too close to the
                   original, like the knladle, which is
                   a ladle with a knife as the handle,
                   or the panlate, which is basically a
                   plate melted into the inside of a
                   pan. But the spork was different. So
                   I took out a loan, and started
                   mass-producing these. After the
                   metal versions ended up sitting on
                   IKEA shelves for a few years, we
                   decided that the throw-away
                   lifestyle of the Americans would do
                   better with plastic, and luckily,
                   after approaching fast food chains,
                   so did they. That is the history of
                   the spark in a nutshell, and since
                   my process as a human is a creative
                   one, please enjoy this slideshow of
                   the invention and usage of sparks
                   worldwide, produced by me, and set
                   to an orginal song by my sister
                   titled "Bow Down To The Spork Lord
                   (Grand Prix Mix)."

         Actual slideshow presentation begins here, Spork remains on
         stage watching and reacting enthusiastically, similarly to
         how Bjork would react.

                             SPORK
                   Thank you so much people of the
                   technological fast food world. I
                   hope you enjoyed that as much as I
                   did. That concludes my presentation,
                   but come check out my gallery of
                   sporks, including ones decorated by
                   celebrities such as Michael Jordan
                   and Sting, in the lobby. Thank you.

Aggressive Coffee (for National Sketch Writing Month)

         Sketch starts with video montage of cup of coffee going
         around and knocking trashcans over, kicking people, etc.

         After video, live portion takes place at diner, where two
         friends are sitting having dinner. Amy, wears sunglasses and
         acts jittery.

                             LISA
                   Amy, you can take your glasses off.
                   One, we're inside a diner, and two,
                   it's night time. You're acting
                   silly.

                             AMY
                   Alright, I'll take them off but only
                   if you promise not to freak out, ok?

                             LISA
                   I won't freak out.
                        (Amy takes off glasses.)
                   Oh my lord! What happened to you
                   Amy?!?! Is everything all right?
                   Jesus, that looks like it really
                   hurt!

                             AMY
                   It doesn't hurt so bad any more.
                   Anyway, it's really nothing. I just
                   did something really stupid, and in
                   the future I'll be way more careful
                   about my drink choices...

                             LISA
                   Wait, did you get drunk and fall
                   down the steps or something? Dammit,
                   I knew I should t have left you
                   alone with that bottle of jack!

                             AMY
                   No, of course I didn't get drunk and
                   fall down the stairs- that happened
                   once in college and you never let me
                   live it down!!

                             LISA
                   Yeah, that's because it happened at
                   graduation when you were going to
                   get your diploma, jack ass.

                             AMY
                   Whatever, it was college, no one
                   makes smart decisions. I'm talking
                   about coffee- usually I drink a
                   light roast, but decided to go for a
                   more aggressive coffee, and didn't
                   think it would literally be more
                   aggressive.

                             LISA
                        (laughing)
                   Wait a second...are you saying your
                   coffee did this to you? That is
                   definitely the craziest thing I've
                   ever heard!

                             AMY
                   I am dead serious. I took a sip, and
                   my coffee accosted me. This black
                   eye is from when it punched me in
                   the face. It is no joking matter
                   Lisa. Just you wait until you want a
                   bolder coffee, and I swear, it'll
                   get you. Bad.

                             LISA
                   Alright, alright. I know you're not
                   a liar Amy, so there has to be some
                   truth to this, but coffee punching
                   you in the face is a lot to process.

                             WAITER
                   Excuse me, can I get you a water or
                   a coffee to get started?

                             AMY
                        (unsettled a the mention of
                        coffee)
                   I'll just take a water, thank you.
                   No coffee here, nuh-uh.

                             LISA
                   Actually, coffee sounds good to me.

                             WAITER
                   We have a very special blend brewed,
                   it's a nice bold, aggressive coffee.
                   I'll grab you a cup!
                        (walks off to kitchen)

                             AMY
                   Oh no, this won't be good Lisa. I
                   don't know if I can watch this- my
                   own experience was very
                   traumatizing...

                             LISA
                   We'll both be fine. Coffee cups
                   don't have arms- that's absurd.
                   It'll just taste strong I bet.
                   Nothing else.

                             AMY
                   That is exactly what I thought. The
                   first step is denial. oh God, here
                   comes the waiter...handle the coffee
                   very cautiously. Seriously, I am
                   asking you to do this as a friend.

                             LISA
                        (picks up coffee cup without
                        care)
                   Seriously Amy, its just a cup of
                   coffee, it couldn't possibly...
                        (she pantomimes as if the cup
                        were attacking her face, along
                        with some screams.)
                   Jesus!!! That really hurt!! What the
                   hell?!!?
                        (throws coffee cup on ground,
                        smashing it.)

                             AMY
                   You had to Lisa, who knows what it
                   would have done next. Quick, let's
                   get you to an emergency room. I hope
                   you never make that mistake again,
                   Lisa.
                        (The two exit offstage
                        together.)

                             END