This is for day 6 of National Sketch Writing Month. It is a monologue, with the intention of taking this character into different beats.
SPORK
Hey everyone, My name is Spork. None
of you know me, but I am the younger
sister of Icelandic super-star
Bjork. When people hear that, they
usually make a lot of assumptions
and ask, "Why are you dressed so
normal?", "Why isn't your accent as
heavy?", "Do you collect things like
human heads or ride around in a car
that is an exact replica of your
face?" but then I usually just show
them my license and they believe me,
cause how many people have the last
name "Guomundsdottir" in the states.
Plus I kind of look like my sister,
so sometimes it doesn't even come to
that. I am speaking at the National
Association of Fast Food technology
conference today, because I, along
with you all, am celebrating the
15th anniversary of the spork. The
initial invention came as an
accident, like that of many great
things, when my sister and were
melting kitchen items to see what
happened. most of these were too
dangerous or too close to the
original, like the knladle, which is
a ladle with a knife as the handle,
or the panlate, which is basically a
plate melted into the inside of a
pan. But the spork was different. So
I took out a loan, and started
mass-producing these. After the
metal versions ended up sitting on
IKEA shelves for a few years, we
decided that the throw-away
lifestyle of the Americans would do
better with plastic, and luckily,
after approaching fast food chains,
so did they. That is the history of
the spark in a nutshell, and since
my process as a human is a creative
one, please enjoy this slideshow of
the invention and usage of sparks
worldwide, produced by me, and set
to an orginal song by my sister
titled "Bow Down To The Spork Lord
(Grand Prix Mix)."
Actual slideshow presentation begins here, Spork remains on
stage watching and reacting enthusiastically, similarly to
how Bjork would react.
SPORK
Thank you so much people of the
technological fast food world. I
hope you enjoyed that as much as I
did. That concludes my presentation,
but come check out my gallery of
sporks, including ones decorated by
celebrities such as Michael Jordan
and Sting, in the lobby. Thank you.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Aggressive Coffee (for National Sketch Writing Month)
Sketch starts with video montage of cup of coffee going
around and knocking trashcans over, kicking people, etc.
After video, live portion takes place at diner, where two
friends are sitting having dinner. Amy, wears sunglasses and
acts jittery.
LISA
Amy, you can take your glasses off.
One, we're inside a diner, and two,
it's night time. You're acting
silly.
AMY
Alright, I'll take them off but only
if you promise not to freak out, ok?
LISA
I won't freak out.
(Amy takes off glasses.)
Oh my lord! What happened to you
Amy?!?! Is everything all right?
Jesus, that looks like it really
hurt!
AMY
It doesn't hurt so bad any more.
Anyway, it's really nothing. I just
did something really stupid, and in
the future I'll be way more careful
about my drink choices...
LISA
Wait, did you get drunk and fall
down the steps or something? Dammit,
I knew I should t have left you
alone with that bottle of jack!
AMY
No, of course I didn't get drunk and
fall down the stairs- that happened
once in college and you never let me
live it down!!
LISA
Yeah, that's because it happened at
graduation when you were going to
get your diploma, jack ass.
AMY
Whatever, it was college, no one
makes smart decisions. I'm talking
about coffee- usually I drink a
light roast, but decided to go for a
more aggressive coffee, and didn't
think it would literally be more
aggressive.
LISA
(laughing)
Wait a second...are you saying your
coffee did this to you? That is
definitely the craziest thing I've
ever heard!
AMY
I am dead serious. I took a sip, and
my coffee accosted me. This black
eye is from when it punched me in
the face. It is no joking matter
Lisa. Just you wait until you want a
bolder coffee, and I swear, it'll
get you. Bad.
LISA
Alright, alright. I know you're not
a liar Amy, so there has to be some
truth to this, but coffee punching
you in the face is a lot to process.
WAITER
Excuse me, can I get you a water or
a coffee to get started?
AMY
(unsettled a the mention of
coffee)
I'll just take a water, thank you.
No coffee here, nuh-uh.
LISA
Actually, coffee sounds good to me.
WAITER
We have a very special blend brewed,
it's a nice bold, aggressive coffee.
I'll grab you a cup!
(walks off to kitchen)
AMY
Oh no, this won't be good Lisa. I
don't know if I can watch this- my
own experience was very
traumatizing...
LISA
We'll both be fine. Coffee cups
don't have arms- that's absurd.
It'll just taste strong I bet.
Nothing else.
AMY
That is exactly what I thought. The
first step is denial. oh God, here
comes the waiter...handle the coffee
very cautiously. Seriously, I am
asking you to do this as a friend.
LISA
(picks up coffee cup without
care)
Seriously Amy, its just a cup of
coffee, it couldn't possibly...
(she pantomimes as if the cup
were attacking her face, along
with some screams.)
Jesus!!! That really hurt!! What the
hell?!!?
(throws coffee cup on ground,
smashing it.)
AMY
You had to Lisa, who knows what it
would have done next. Quick, let's
get you to an emergency room. I hope
you never make that mistake again,
Lisa.
(The two exit offstage
together.)
END
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